Wednesday, March 03, 2004
3 March 2004
When Joe & I stayed at the Doubletree Hotel in Philadelphia about a month ago, we were on a high floor & there was a window. I became obsessed with whether the window opened all the way. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, and because I was afraid it did open all the way, I was afraid to try.
I also had a similar experience when we went to the Guggenheim a few months ago. On the top level of the museum, there is just a short, white wall, which could easily be climbed over. The fall would be several stories onto cement. Once I saw this, I again felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I pointed it out to Joe.
Eventually, I tried the hotel window in Philadelphia, and it only opened a crack. Joe pointed out that this was probably as much because of the danger of small children falling out as it was for the "other" situation.
Joe & I talked about this last night. There was an article in a recent Rolling Stone Magazine about Stephen Bohler, the NYU student who jumped from the 10th floor balcony of the library atrium in October 2003, and he brought it to my house to read. The student was 18 years old & his death was ruled an "accident" because he had been on drugs at the time. There were two other suicides at NYU this past fall.
I did a Google search today for his name & found some comment boards & articles about what happened. One site has a link to a photo of the atrium. It's indoors & quite beautiful but it gives me the creeps to look at it because it's clearly a long way down. Another article stated that NYU has put up glass barriers on the balconies. This makes me very happy. It makes me feel better.
What I realized when Joe & I were talking last night is that my fear -- why I felt so freaked out by the hotel window & the Guggenheim "balcony" -- was that I am afraid someone is going to commit suicide. Especially in the Guggenheim, I felt this panic, like someone could jump while I was there or the same day or the next day. And, in the hotel, I felt like anyone who rents that room can just open up the window & that's that.
I feel like I would like to be the patrolwoman on all the bridges, on all the balconies. I would like to check all the windows & make sure they don't open. I would like to put up barriers on all high structures. Me personally.
It's a terrible thing. I think this fear/anxiety will subside eventually, though. It hasn't been even a year & a half yet.
m
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When Joe & I stayed at the Doubletree Hotel in Philadelphia about a month ago, we were on a high floor & there was a window. I became obsessed with whether the window opened all the way. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, and because I was afraid it did open all the way, I was afraid to try.
I also had a similar experience when we went to the Guggenheim a few months ago. On the top level of the museum, there is just a short, white wall, which could easily be climbed over. The fall would be several stories onto cement. Once I saw this, I again felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I pointed it out to Joe.
Eventually, I tried the hotel window in Philadelphia, and it only opened a crack. Joe pointed out that this was probably as much because of the danger of small children falling out as it was for the "other" situation.
Joe & I talked about this last night. There was an article in a recent Rolling Stone Magazine about Stephen Bohler, the NYU student who jumped from the 10th floor balcony of the library atrium in October 2003, and he brought it to my house to read. The student was 18 years old & his death was ruled an "accident" because he had been on drugs at the time. There were two other suicides at NYU this past fall.
I did a Google search today for his name & found some comment boards & articles about what happened. One site has a link to a photo of the atrium. It's indoors & quite beautiful but it gives me the creeps to look at it because it's clearly a long way down. Another article stated that NYU has put up glass barriers on the balconies. This makes me very happy. It makes me feel better.
What I realized when Joe & I were talking last night is that my fear -- why I felt so freaked out by the hotel window & the Guggenheim "balcony" -- was that I am afraid someone is going to commit suicide. Especially in the Guggenheim, I felt this panic, like someone could jump while I was there or the same day or the next day. And, in the hotel, I felt like anyone who rents that room can just open up the window & that's that.
I feel like I would like to be the patrolwoman on all the bridges, on all the balconies. I would like to check all the windows & make sure they don't open. I would like to put up barriers on all high structures. Me personally.
It's a terrible thing. I think this fear/anxiety will subside eventually, though. It hasn't been even a year & a half yet.
m
