Friday, October 10, 2003
Update
So, I didn't quit. I talked to Erin about my work schedule & about wigging out about conflicts, etc., and she told me to think about it over the weekend & she & Katherine would also think about their options & we'll talk about it on Sunday.
I'm definitely not going to be as involved as I'd hoped, but I feel much better having talked to Erin about my level of stress & about my level of involvement. Being there at rehearsals while knowing I wasn't fully committed made me feel detached from the project. And, I've never felt detached from a theater project. Even the lamest, stupidest, most frustrating theater projects always get my full attention.
Why? Because theater infuses me with life.
I know that sounds like the cheesiest thing anyone's ever written & if anyone reads this, it's probably the stupidest thing you've ever read. And, your opinion of me is spoiled, etc. But, I don't care.
So, I'm having a difficult time right now. The time of year has hit me. Fall. I hate fall. And, I used to love fall. Fall was ALWAYS my favorite season. But, now, the weather has changed, and that just reminds me of what's to come. And, it reminds me of what has happened. And, it drives me crazy.
Has it almost been a YEAR? Is that possible? Is it really true, then? Seriously, I think about it & I think that I feel like if a year can pass, then it's really true that my brother died.
I feel very weird writing about "that topic" here because it's so personal & it's...I don't know how to explain. I feel like I'm making something very personal public by writing about it here. At the same time, that was kind of the point of having this--so that I can share what's on my mind. I have mixed feelings about it.
In The NewYorker this month, there's an article about the Golden Gate Bridge and all the suicides on that bridge since it opened & how the government won't build a guard rail because of several excuses that the writer of the article refutes. I read the article on the subway on Tuesday night on the way to meet Joe for dinner & by the time I saw him, I was INFURIATED by the whole thing, especially because the article said there was a follow-up study done & something like 90% of the people who were prevented from jumping were still alive 25 years later. It said that the crisis of suicide is usually about 3 months and if a person gets through those critical 3 months, he or she has a very good chance of never trying it again or of finding other options.
I don't know. San Francisco is not my city, but I want to write a letter to the government there to tell them to build the rail. And, I'm going to research bridges in New York to see if there are any suicides on our bridges (how many?) & to see if I can write to see if they can be prevented.
I think the problem--one of the problems--with dealing with this kind of thing is you feel so powerless. And, the whole thing is so stupid. And, it was such a mistake.
Now, I feel uncomfortable about this entire entry. But, I'm going to leave it up just to see how I feel about it later.
--m
|
So, I didn't quit. I talked to Erin about my work schedule & about wigging out about conflicts, etc., and she told me to think about it over the weekend & she & Katherine would also think about their options & we'll talk about it on Sunday.
I'm definitely not going to be as involved as I'd hoped, but I feel much better having talked to Erin about my level of stress & about my level of involvement. Being there at rehearsals while knowing I wasn't fully committed made me feel detached from the project. And, I've never felt detached from a theater project. Even the lamest, stupidest, most frustrating theater projects always get my full attention.
Why? Because theater infuses me with life.
I know that sounds like the cheesiest thing anyone's ever written & if anyone reads this, it's probably the stupidest thing you've ever read. And, your opinion of me is spoiled, etc. But, I don't care.
So, I'm having a difficult time right now. The time of year has hit me. Fall. I hate fall. And, I used to love fall. Fall was ALWAYS my favorite season. But, now, the weather has changed, and that just reminds me of what's to come. And, it reminds me of what has happened. And, it drives me crazy.
Has it almost been a YEAR? Is that possible? Is it really true, then? Seriously, I think about it & I think that I feel like if a year can pass, then it's really true that my brother died.
I feel very weird writing about "that topic" here because it's so personal & it's...I don't know how to explain. I feel like I'm making something very personal public by writing about it here. At the same time, that was kind of the point of having this--so that I can share what's on my mind. I have mixed feelings about it.
In The NewYorker this month, there's an article about the Golden Gate Bridge and all the suicides on that bridge since it opened & how the government won't build a guard rail because of several excuses that the writer of the article refutes. I read the article on the subway on Tuesday night on the way to meet Joe for dinner & by the time I saw him, I was INFURIATED by the whole thing, especially because the article said there was a follow-up study done & something like 90% of the people who were prevented from jumping were still alive 25 years later. It said that the crisis of suicide is usually about 3 months and if a person gets through those critical 3 months, he or she has a very good chance of never trying it again or of finding other options.
I don't know. San Francisco is not my city, but I want to write a letter to the government there to tell them to build the rail. And, I'm going to research bridges in New York to see if there are any suicides on our bridges (how many?) & to see if I can write to see if they can be prevented.
I think the problem--one of the problems--with dealing with this kind of thing is you feel so powerless. And, the whole thing is so stupid. And, it was such a mistake.
Now, I feel uncomfortable about this entire entry. But, I'm going to leave it up just to see how I feel about it later.
--m
